The feeling?

Someone told me something very interesting today, saying how she and I can be still so friendly even after all those things that happened this year. Having conversations, taking photos and even dancing like nothing has happened at all has gotten me into deep thinking for a moment; even I don't know. I wonder why?

Seeing my other friends (couples) broke up and never have anymore interactions together makes me sad. Probably that's why I was able to talk to her casually because I don't want to be like that either haha. When my friend asked do I still like her, I can't say I completely don't like her anymore but I not too sure either. Oh well, doesn't hurt if I keep everything like now. Don't have to worry about anything and still be friends with her. Just be myself and I'll be fine XD

Suppression

I have suppressed myself for a while now, but don't  know why it does not go away. In fact, it is growing stronger and stronger. Why do I have this feeling? Is it because I cannot bear the pain anymore of being by myself now? Seriously, this is killing me when I'm trying to hold back and it wants to be released. I just... not that I don't want a relationship. I do, I really do want one. But I just don't know why I'm not willingly to try even just a little. Maybe scared I'll end up like last time?

Seriously, where is that girl? I want to find her...

er...

Is it just me or is everybody trying to hook me up with someone? = =

Seems to me that they try to hook me with any girl I'm close to or talk alot to. Without listening or asking, they just assumed I like her/them. I don't really like it... It feels like I'm being toyed around. Properly just me but I don't like playing around when it comes to romance. It is either 100% sure for me or I won't even consider it because I don't want to become a pimp or even get hurt.

I know my friends don't mean it but just a reply to the question they asked me. "when are we going to have a  mummy?"
"Well, definitely not now. I want to improve on my studies."


When?
I had this conversation with my sister and I answered her, I don't think I can find someone in high school but I can feel it is someone from uni.
hahahaha, happy now curious kids? there is my answer :)

Disappointment

I should be happy when I got top 30 for my SC trials but I am not... Not very happy to be honest. Misread a 2 marks question which may have boost my rank even more.Sigh...

But the most disappointed thing is because I'm a twin. Sister's trials rank is 1st; dad was very happy and proud and ranking 28th from me, no comment or praise. Mum was encouraging me by saying how much I've improved but I can tell she is more interested in my sister's result than mine. No matter how high I get, if I don't top my sister, my parents don't really care about it...

I must keep improving and make them realize one day!

Inori ~You Raise Me Up~ by Lena Park (english ver)

I really love this song; it is so smoothing and aerie. Funny how this is also sang by an Asian. I personally like this version than the very original version sang decades ago. Dedicated to my Mum and Dad for their 19th anniversary. ^^

Thank you but...

Funny how my employer and my employees became my love specialists. Even since I told them about my past love life, they have being giving me advices and trying to help me getting a girlfriend. I was really happy they actually cared so much about me even when we are no more than just working partners. I am truly grateful and is so happy that I have met you guys but I guess what is in their eyes are not the same as mine. I realized they only judge the appearance without even judging the personality/inside of them. It is really pointless to me.

Girls are like cakes. The topping is not the most important; what is important is the cake itself. The purpose of the topping is a bonus to enhance the cake itself.
This is my version of interpretation. XD

Someone

She doesn't have to be hot,
she doesn't have to be cute,
she doesn't have to be anything ,

all she has to be is a person who values my existence.

whether I'm crying on the inside,
or angry on the outside.
She will be willing to be by my side.
Curing my empty heart;
filling it with lights and colours.

Someday, if I ever find her.
I will make her mine.
Never give up, never let go
Whether she likes it or not.


I will do anything for her in return
and protecting her with all my might.
If she is sad, I'll give her my happiness.
If she cries, I'll cry along with her.

All I need is to find her
cherish her, love her.

Crappy 2 min instant  poem I just made there XD But despite the poem, those are all my thoughts right now. Some friends of mine think I've changed and only chase girls with faces and bodies now. I admit I have been checking out girls but I have never said I will make them mine. I was just joking around. Afterall they are just appearance; I want a girl with a beautiful heart which I can protect and love. That's all.

Hahahaha
Even a viewer like me tend to be envious on people who are experiencing romance...
I guess I'm just feeling lonely...
A boy drowning in the ocean of loniness...

Not that I don't like anybody or anything anymore but it is just that I don't know if I should or even deserve a second chance. I mean, I did failed once...

and who will like someone like me anyways? even I can't name...

Anger

I hate it when you have to keep everything cool like nothing has happened, when you're not in a good mood and yet people just keep saying things which pisses you off.

makes me really want to burst and snap at times. Guess, its my personality which has betrayed me... :L

What I want

Funny how even I don't know anymore...
It was always on one person but since it is no longer, I guess I don't know where to start.
Cindy have given me so many possibilities who I might end up with but that got me even more confused :L

I don't know because for me to like someone, it's not like I like her. It is more of she likes me and therefore I automatically start to take notice of her more and then before I know it, I'm falling for her. That's why I'm so confused >< If no one likes me or I don't take notice that she likes me, then I won't like anybody! ><

But when Cindy said, "you have to get rid of Wendy in your heart then you can be able to like someone" I do not agree this time. I already said heaps to time, there is no one in my mind right now, which is why I don't know what to do, which is why I'm now officially announcing, I'M RECRUITING A GIRLFRIEND! ^^

Lost Master

If one day, I ever find a girl who feels that way for me, I'll definitely make her feel that liking me is not a regret and I'll promise I'll give her eternal happiness.

She will become my master and I'll be her loyal dog. Eyes only on her, wagging my tail back and fourth. Being pet by her, being loved by her is all I'll ever want from her. It is already more than I deserve. Her generosity will fill up this empty heart of mine.

When she is happy, I'll make her think it can forever lasts and when she is sad, I'll take away all her miseries and replace them up with my own happiness. As long as she is happy, I'm happy to bury all her sadness inside me. As long as she is with me...

But even so, where can I find her... I want to find her, I really want to to find her. I don't want to be alone anymore... Master, where are you?

What people thinks

Even without saying I can sense that people think I'm turning into a pimp now and hang around with countless of girls. Maybe I have never changed and maybe it your viewpoint of me has changed instead?

I can honestly say, I'm not hitting on them. I'm just trying to make more friends. But it's understandable since you see me hug girls more offend now. Think about it, knowing my personality, I would never do that to a girl I like. In fact I will blush instead. Hugging them is simply as a friend not having feelings for them.

What I can't believe the most is that, even people who is close to me also think so. Sigh...
Well, at least I have a limit. Hugging is the max I'll go. Kissing checks etc  won't be happening!!
It's for my future special one instead :D

DAMNIT!!! why do I have to see more cries...

Why is everybody all sad now...

It hurts to see others getting hurt but you can't do anything about it...

I'm so fucking useless!

9/8/10 The tears won't stop

For the following four years, I've tried hard to suppress the sorrow and weakness inside my heart wishing nobody would ever be able to make my tears roll down once again; I was wrong.
One drop followed by another rolled down my cheeks was covered with the substance of pain. I finally lost it... I cried followed by my mum, followed by my sister... such a devastating day...

It has always been this pain which kept me strong and safe. I guess the incident is totally on a different level. The pain consumed my original own pain.

I hope I don't have to experience it anymore, ever again...

Test result

Science test came out today and I was very happy with my score, because I beat my sister who I always look up for. Even though I don't say it, but she is the only person who I ever beat. I want my parents, friends, everybody to think not only Anna Zhou from the Zhou family is smart, there is also the existence of Jacky Zhou.

Leaving that aside, I was rather curious of what Wendy will get for her test result too. Reason being, last time I studied with her for the test (before this one) and she got pretty high for it. I just want to know the comparison of when she studied herself this time. Stating I'm not trying to be slack. Even without the fact I liked her, I always wish her to do well in her tests.

Back to me, after I got the result from the teacher, my first thoughts were "so it is either between relationships or relationships" rather than the typical "YEAH!GO ME!! WOOT WOOT!". After realizing that, I questioned myself, "is it even possible to fully devote on relationships while getting good results at the same time?"

Toll to the new path

I'm really scared, in fact I'm starting to freak out now. Normally, I would say the environment around me is changing too quickly but seems like it has been the other way around...  Is everybody all scared to advance or am I really just advancing too fast? I don't want to be too far apart to everybody but it is a process I must face...

I don't know, it is probably just me. Just hope this won't turn into a reality...

Maturity

I think I have finally matured. Finally serious and finally willing to do work. I don't know how it happened but there is a crave for doing work and pushing myself to work hard. It makes me realize I do have a sense of seriousness or burning passion inside myself. This feeling of not wasting your life is great!

I wonder how much I can push myself now?

Why won't you understand...

You! I swear are the biggest idiot ever. I didn't mind you sitting next to me on the bus today. In fact, I wanted you to so that I can tell you that I'm okay now and not feeling awkward around you anymore. I was just trying to be friendly and just acted like how I do to everybody. I was toying with you and said, " Why are you sitting here?" in a annoyed expression.Unfortunately, you took it seriously and got pissed... giving me the hate stare at first and then moved sit... sigh

Why won't you get it...? what else do you want me to do?
I just don't want us to sit together and not talk to each other the whole way. I was actually trying to start a convo...

People who just don't understand...

sigh, people are so sad... no one can get this clear... Hear alot from friends saying why I always tease them. No, I do not hate you, it is saying I like you and you're my close friend. I don't know how to express my closeness with you guys, that's why I was doing so. If you guys are not my close friends, I wouldn't even bother to say so because it normally not something I would do so.Therefore, people who I normally insults often, I don't hate you, in fact you're a really good friend. Okay~ maybe sometimes for my own entertainment :P

I wonder how many out there have picked up this point...? Damn you slow people :]

My song

I believe everybody has a song that represent themselves and I reflects on our personality.My song is Because of you by Kelly Clarkson. Surely this song represents me because I did felt that way before. I'm probably experiencing the same aftereffects ever since from that incident.

  "I am afraid~"

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

The pain will last long...

To people who do know that I gave up on her her will now how I feel and won't say anymore about me being with her.

But then what about the people who still thinks we both like each other?
Why does it hurts whenever they mention something about us together?
Didn't I said to myself I will give up?
Then why I still feel this way?
Though I know the feeling is really weak now, why do I still care?
Didn't I say I'll forget and just be friends from now on?
Sigh, Why can't feelings just stop all in one go?

If only, everybody knows the situation right now. Then they don't have to say anymore and let me forget...
I hate myself for not being able to say to people that she and I are friends now...
It's not about that I still like her, but it is just that I can't bring myself explaining to others.Stupid pride of mine...

Process of changing

I don't know why I am very happy now, without anymore negative thoughts in my mind. That is probably because I know I'm changing myself on my free will. This process of changing is slowly taking me to the better side of myself. I feel so calm and peaceful, I no longer crave for anything anymore. I just wish days like these would forever last.

The process of changing is not hard. Though it requires the willingness of your mind to do so. Some may achieve it very easily and some may never achieve it in their lifetime.

This is why, I am glad I'm one of them who was able to conquer my thoughts and expanded myself. I must be really lucky to do so~

New Direction

Finally, I can no longer feel the awkwardness talking to her anymore~ I like this feeling too . After all, I did feel bad for her of how we weren't able to talk probably. I knew it wasn't her fault that it ended that way, but it just happened... I always wanted to have a day where I can talk to her normally without anymore troubles, I guess I'm able to achieve this at last.

Now since I'm able to treat her like I do for everybody else. Does that mean I'm able to let go now?

Even so, I'm scared. It feels like I'm back to the start of my journey. It's an empty, dark field with no direction; pitched black. But then, I'm no longer afraid. And this time, I will do it right :]

Lost and Found

Today I got a call from my sis saying Wendy lost her jumper after school. It was somewhere in the basketball court and I was just at the back of the school waiting for my dad, so I went to retrieve it for her. Sadly, the jumper was not there and I was a little depressed. I gave my sis a call and said it was not there. When she said to Wendy "It's not there", I suddenly felt a weird feeling. A feeling of desperately wanted to help...

I wasn't expecting anything but it is just that I once said to her I will help her if she needs help. Even though I know I'm not the person she likes anymore or if I still likes her, but in my mind, I just wanted to help her, no matter what the outcome is. Just because we are not together anymore doesn't mean I can't help her secretly right? XD

So I went around the school and was searching for it~ I went to the PE staffroom where all the lost clothes goes and asked. I managed to find one that suited my sis's description and it was even handed in just a while ago. Though I don't know if that was her one but that will do ^^

Don't tell her la :]

Reaction to New haircut

Why? why does everybody has to say I look better in my old hairstyle... It feels like everybody are pulling me back to the place where I was without themselves knowing. Hearing them saying 'I like your old hairstyle more' is like tearing up my old wound and add more salt into it.

Hidden Gift (From Toradora)

Boy: There is something in the world that nobody has seen yet.
Boy: It's something gentle and very sweet.
Boy: And if you had been able to put your eyes on it, then you would yearn for it.
Girl: That's why the world has hidden it.
Girl: To make sure that not just anyone can get their hands on it.
Boy: But at some point someone will find it.
Girl: That one person who is suppose to find it is also the one who will be able to find it.
Both: That's how it is.

~Toraora~

This anime... The main male character seems alot like to me. Not in appearance but also in personality.He was the same with me, fell for his first crush, who was a really playful girl. He failed and never reached her heart but the good thing was that he was able to find someone he realized he likes throughout the story. And how they ended up together in the end. I absolutely love this story! This anime is also one reason I was able to stand back up so quickly :)

Of course, friends too ^^

Star

Seeing everybody depressed lately also makes me sad
Everything is gloomy and sad recently
Everybody are having their own troubles and worries.
I saw sadness, I saw tears.
I can't bear to see anymore of my friends suffering.
I don't want them to follow the steps like I did...

Therefore,I want to be a star,
shinning brightly in the gloomy darkness
fighting for light's existence.
giving people hopes and wishes,
bring happiness and joy.

I really wish I can be a star someday... ^^

I want to be a person who gives people support when they needed it.
I know it is though, that's why I want to be there so they can lessen their pains.
and regain their smiles and stand back up.
To people who I was referring, when you need help, I'll be there for you :]

New Haircut

My hair resembles my memories. It has been with me for the past few month when I experienced so many things. Therefore, cutting it means that I can let go of things now and will be able head towards a new path. After the haircut, I felt that I was no longer the old me. I'm the new me :) Though it feels weird having such short hair. Oh wells, at least it is doing its purpose, new start.

Under the mask

Under this mask is someone, someone very weak. He is weak but in order to hide it, he hid himself by making a barrier around himself. So he can be safe and protected. Everyday,he acted like someone who is totally opposite of him.Open, not serious, playful... Locking away his true feelings, as the pain engulfed him. He endured because he did not want anybody to know such pain he has been suffereing. The pain increases little by little, day by day. He still resisted. Even though he knew it is something bad, he had no choice. The boy wished that someday, someone will discover him and find him.


Someone, anyone, please save me...

Different happiness

For the past few days, I had heaps of fun and everyday was an adventure. Going out with friends, doing my favourite things, with laughter and smiles. I love times like these and I wish this feeling can continue. Everything negative has gone and I felt so carefree and happy :)

Though I was very happy, but that type of happiness is different to the other happiness which is when you are with the person you love. Really, they are both good but they are considered as two separate things. It is just not the same. I would be lying if I say I dislike the happiness from love but I don't know why, I'm starting to forget that feeling which I would desperately crave in the past. Is it because I started to replace the love happiness with the friendship happiness? Does that mean I'm running away?

I don't know myself anymore ><

Hard To Say I Love You ~Ii Dasenakute by Weaver

Addicted to this song. Not really that good but catchy :)

The dream has ended...

For these 4 years, I have been asleep and dreaming, It is time to wake up. I guess I should stop escaping from reality and face it. It was a lovely dream and I had heaps of fun^^ but keep lying to myself for the impossible is just meaningless. After realizing your true feelings, I had the courage to do this. Yes, I was really sad at first but it feels much better than guessing your feelings. I did tell you to be honest to me and tell me everything didn't I? dummy ^^

Anyways, liking you was really challenging and it gave me so many great memories. If people asks me in the future did I regret it, I will definitely say no. Seeing your happiness, hearing your inner thoughts was definitely more than I deserved. This is why I'm fulfilling my vow now, 'I will stop liking you only if you stop liking me'. I still remember every vow I made and I'm fulfilling it. Thanks for the memories, I will treasure it inside my heart. Wendy Hau ^^

I don't know what will happen in the future but if one day I confess to you again, Please forget about all these four years and give me a definite response. Just in case it may not be me and turns out to be you~ ; ) just tell me :) I like girls who are honest with their feelings ^^

Dear you

I missed you, i really do. I wish I can say this to you but I just know that I shouldn't do it; for our sake. Have you realized I have tried my hardiest recently to talk to you as a friend?. It's hard; from the outside I have to act like a normal friend and to have to keep my feelings inside. There are so many things that has kept inside my heart buried and they can no longer be expressed by words. Watching other couples being together does hurt me a little, it reminds me of how we were before. I really do miss the old times, I really do miss you.

But just to let you know, I don't care about the past anymore. I Strife for the future now and someday I'll get you even harder than I did before. Of course, there is not 100% you'll still feel that way for me in the future but I won't be scared. I mean, I did the same this year without knowing your feelings in the first place anyways.

Did you know? I can feel that I'm finally changing at my own will now. Thanks to you :) I can definitely feel it and it feels so good. This feeling is warm and it makes me feel stronger.

Romeo X Juliet

After I finished watching the last episode of the anime 'Romeo x Juliet'. I just burst out in tears, as I have never watched something so beautiful and touching at the same time... Romeo and Juliet are just the best couples I have seen in my life. Their love for each other are just so romantic and it has made me realized that to love someone is not just to say so but also to do so. It is the vow of eternity...

Damn Romeo x Juliet was such a tear jerker, I cried for 2 hours, eyes are still red >< It all began when Juliet asked him to say her name again after he was no longer alive. Tear drops by tear drops then has continuously escaped from my eyes and kept rolling down my cheeks. After watching it, I was like... "Give me a lover!!! I needa hug her now!!" T_T

I wish I can be like them with the person I love in the future. I will definitely do a better job this time and be like them!! ^^

I lost the bet

At the beginning of this year, I had the "love rush" where I couldn't control my feelings of her anymore and had to tell her. Before doing so, I have made a bet to myself and say that I'll go serious and express my feelings truthfully to her which I have kept for 3 years; if she accepts my feelings then I'll officially ask her out. Therefore I did my confession and exchanged my feelings with her. I was so happy she felt the same way about me, I felt that I could really give my heart to this girl... So as I was about to open my heart, someone told me something, something I did not wish to hear. The voice has echoed continuously... "If you date her now, you guys will never be together". I became scared and hesitated but I hoped that everything will be fine as it will all work out. I guess I was wrong....

Now that I have lost the bet to myself, I shall fulfill the bet I've made. If I failed the bet, then I'll close my heart and won't go serious anymore until I'll finish off high school. Of course I won't stop liking her, but it is just that I'll be her friend for now. I'll still answer those questions, even if she is there whether if she asked or others in the future but I won't do anything that will be off the friendship boundary anymore.

I didn't regret on anything but I'm just scared. I'm scared if I ask her again when that day comes, the answer will change... But I shouldn't think too much about it. If we are destined for each other, then no matter what happened, we will be together anyways. At least that is what I've believed and I'll continue to believe it.

Restart

After a long talk with her today, we decided to remain as friends. It is something that I expected that will going to be happen as it is just a matter of time. However, I realized all this time I was just being scared and stayed there and did nothing waiting for her response. I was too scared to lose the relationship that I have build up with her, but instead that just made it worse.

Though we agreed to be friends, that made me want to try even more. Just because we are friends now that doesn't mean I can't like her and ask her out again in future right? This time, I will have no more shortcuts and I'll do things probably. The first thing I need to do is to be friends with her again. I need to make her not being awkward with me anymore. This time, I'm serious.

Okay guys, please do not interrupt things between her and I this time. I want to do things using my own strength and get what I wanted. I appreciate all you guys' work and consult with her but please do not do that again this time. I want her to believe it once again by myself.

It's not her fault

Every time people reads my blog, they will start to criticize her after reading my posts. It is something I can't stand. She has done nothing wrong to begin with. She was just being herself throughout the whole time.I beg of you, please do not talk to her about it or tell her to do something/change. I do not want to change the person I love because of myself; it will make me feel really guilty. I want her to change in the future at her own will. I don't care what you say about me or my feelings but I cannot tolerate people bad mouthing the person I love!

Two sided

In my heart, there are two sides: the craving to love side and the considerate of her side. They are always in my mind to give me thoughts. Should I hug her? Should I give her a break? When can I date her? Am I not giving her any space? Those are constantly in my mind. I don't want to feel that way anymore; I feel so tired. I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore. I wish if only that girl can tell me....

I hate it when they makes me goes back and forth in my mind. If only I have only one side, then I wouldn't have to go through all of this. I wonder if I only have the crave to love side, will I be with her by now?or if i only have considerate of her side, will I be feeling less awkward around her?

Probably I haven't heard her inside in a long time, I feel less and less secure because I don't know what she wants anymore. Not that I think she doesn't like me anymore or anything, it is just that I am scared that I will approach when she wants to have a break.

My mind does not know where to go anymore therefore, I want her to lead it again...
That's because it already wants her to lead it four years ago!! ><

Her impression

When I first met her, I honestly did not feel anything for her. In my mind, she was only a kind a cheerful girl which happened to be in my class. She was quite popular among the class as everybody seems to know her.

Sitting in science together has made me think slightly different of her. She is not just cheerful but she was also really playful. She also gave me the impression that she was from a really prefect family; honestly I was a little bit envied by it. Not because I have a bad family but it's just that... I don't know XD

Having such a personality like hers is good. You don't have to think alot and you can just relax. Her childish and happy going personality is what makes her so bright. In fact, I think she was too bright, she was shinning.>< It explains why she is so popular; everybody wants to be her friend because of her personality. Really, what makes me started to like her was really because of the inside of her. I liked the inside of her the most and before I knew it, i was already attracted to it.

Inside this girl is a very beautiful heart. Warm and kind. It makes me want to do anything for it. It is why, I must try my hardest to obtain it one day. I love this girl's inside very much, more than anything. And... her outside is a bonus ; )

Lost

We haven't been talking on msn for a whole week now, it's making me feeling anxious. Though I know i shouldn't force her and expects her to go on everyday, but it kinda hurts not talking to her. Days ago I found out that she does not like to use msn to talk so I didn't talk to her, even when she is online, I was only hoping for her to start a conversation. Seems like it never happened. Seriously, the only reason I'm on msn, is you.

Probably you have reasons, like need to prepare for tests or watching dramas or maybe even don't feel like using msn anymore. Really, I don't mind all that, it's just that I just want to hear the reason. Honestly, I'm not sad because you don't go on msn anymore, I'm sad because you dislike using msn and didn't tell me about it... Didn't we promised to tell each other things?

Its okay I forgive you^^ I guess maybe I should try harder talking to her on real life then. My goal now is to make her think it's not awkward to talk to me XD

Response

The answer I found in my heart works and I never felt so great in ages. I was highly active today and returned to the person I once was. To celebrate my happiness, I went home and immediately styled my hair and dressed up nicely and took those so called ' luvos'. Was really impressed with the photos too. XD

Yesterday, the answer I found in my heart after I heard the song is more of a question than a answer. My heart asked me," How can the person you like be happy, if you can't show your own happiness". The question took me quite a while to deeply think about it and I realized that all these times, I have only thought about myself saying how sad I was or how depressed I was; I have never once thought about her own feelings. Even if she did tell me, I have never discover her feelings by myself.

This is why, I have decided I'll completely forget about the past and be happy so that I will open up with her one day. Maybe she is confused about it not because she doesn't know what to do but because I made her feel uneasy and don't know how to respond. That's why, I'll try to be more open to her and slowly make her feel at ease again. Haha, I have actually tried today but it didn't turn out as good as I thought. She was still feeling uneasy still but I believe everything will be fine, all I need now is patience. ^^

Also, I don't know if she was serious or not today but, she sang Avril Lavigne's Keep Holding On in front of me? and then the girl sang with her said to me, "maybe she is hinting something to you". =S I don't know if she was hinting something to me but oh wells, I'll buy it. ^^

Answer

I found the answer to what I need to do now ^^
I'm pretty confident about it too >=)



To those who are curious, I found my answer thorough this PV
It is exactly what I have in mind
Read the translations.

I like his songs. They're surprisingly addictive :)
Watching his PV makes me want to learn to dance too~

Mistake

Oh crap! she knows about my blog since my friend told her. Now what am I going to do? >< Should I stop posting and abandon my blog and start to write in the book instead? Just kidding, no way! XD I had so many things I wanted to say still, so saying goodbye to my blog now is impossible.

The trust is, it wasn't really my friend's fault, I was the one who told her to say to her about the existence of my blog. I told my friend to tell her but not to say it is me. I'm too scared to ask her to check out my own blog out, surely it will be awkward. Stupid isn't it? Probably I was just wanted to know what will her reaction be if she finds out about the existence of this blog. Will she say anything? Will she laughs from it? It was then I realized I made a mistake.

She was silent the whole day and wasn't saying anything to me about it. Maybe I should have left it and don't let her find out about it and then everything will be fine. But I can't, I just can't.I can't stand it when I write things with her involved when she doesn't even know about it.

Now, it is already the past, not like I can do anything to stop it now. I just hope it won't make us awkward again. I don't want that! Besides, I don't really mind if she asks me stuff about it, I have got nothing to hide now XD

Memory: How I liked you

It was funny now, remembering how I met her and began to like her. Thinking about it still makes me embarrassed ><

I remembered on the first day of high school, she was the first person who talked to me in class. I was sitting by myself at a table since I did not know anybody in High school.I was sitting by myself when she and another girl had no where to sit and approached me saying,"Can you please sit next to that boy over there?". On my first day of high school, I just can't give people a bad impression of myself to people, so I quickly and politely moved and gave them the spots.

Funny how coincidence made us together again, as we are sitting together for science due to a seating plan. It was a great time; she, another boy and I were sitting at one table. Everyday, we would fight for the sit on the left ^^

Then rumours started when people started saying to me that girl likes me. I was shocked and didn't know what to do, so I ignored the rumours and didn't say anything because before high school, I have not experienced these kind of things before. I didn't reply to the rumors and that was when the awkward stage began. Everything just changed, we talked less and became less friendly. Though, we were at awkward stage and had separated to our groups, I realized I had began to develop these weird feelings which at the time I had no idea what that feeling was...

After we completely stopped talking and hanged around our own groups, I felt that she had been secretly staring at me during classes. She stares at me once in a while and I started to notice more and more after that. At times, I spotted her staring at me and she became embarrassed and immediately turns back. That was really cute ^^

Maybe because I started to notice her staring at me during class, I began to take notice of her and realized the feeling I had was 'Love'. Even now, I still remember those moments very clearly, but I doubt that girl still remember it. I don't really mind. What I find funny is that now we're doing the opposite. I have been secretly looking at her and I doubt she noticed. I wonder what will her reaction will be when she notices me? ^^

Speechless

I have always wanted to tell you things that are in my mind.I want to tell you and share those feelings together...This is what I always wanted to do but,was never being able to achieve it in real life.

Probably because I'm not being honest with myself which has caused things to turn out like this and has not made much progress with you. I don't know why but, I tend to say things that I really don't mean it or saying the opposite of it instead. So if I say I don't care, I really do care.I say I'm fine when I'm actually not.

I don't know why I do it, but probably because I know if I go serious with you, it will be difficult for you to reply. Therefore, I rather not to be honest to myself than to see you troubled over me. Some day, I hope you can discover this side of me and we can share those deep feelings I have in my heart together. To be honest, I want you to know... I really want you to know! ><

Sorry

I'm sorry that I haven't talked to you much in real life and only depended on msn The truth is, I really really really want to talk to you. I love to talk to you; even one sentence from you can get me happy for a whole day. However, my mind goes blank whenever I want to you and resulted in not getting anything out of my mouth.

I know it's a bad way to talk through technology rather than real life, as I tried to encourage myself to talk to you everyday. But seeing you happily talking and laughing other people made me resisted. I'm scared I will bore you, I'm scared to I will make you speechless and I'm scared I will make you feel annoyed. It seems to me that you're not at ease when you're talking to me in real life, that's why I'm currently feeling bad and hated myself...

I wish in future, we can talk openly to each other face to face with laughter and smiles rather than to rely on technology. I promise I will definitely fulfil this task in the future, but for now, please let me say
sorry...

I want you...

I wish you know how much I think of you everyday
Even just a little bit...

Seeing you close with other people does hurt me inside.
I cannot do a thing, I cannot say a thing
but can only give a sad smile from behind the shadow.
It is worse than a punch, It is worse than a stab,
I just cannot bear the pain inside anymore...
The pain of jealousy.

I want you to realize, I want you to care
so I can be embraced by your warmth.
But I hesitated because I'm scared,
scared you will be troubled, scared you will suffer
from my selfishness...

That's why I let myself in pain,
so you will never know the truth.
and continue to be the kind little girl I have known and loved

I hope one day, you will understand
and forgive me for not telling.
But for now, I want you...
forever and ever...