Why won't you understand...

You! I swear are the biggest idiot ever. I didn't mind you sitting next to me on the bus today. In fact, I wanted you to so that I can tell you that I'm okay now and not feeling awkward around you anymore. I was just trying to be friendly and just acted like how I do to everybody. I was toying with you and said, " Why are you sitting here?" in a annoyed expression.Unfortunately, you took it seriously and got pissed... giving me the hate stare at first and then moved sit... sigh

Why won't you get it...? what else do you want me to do?
I just don't want us to sit together and not talk to each other the whole way. I was actually trying to start a convo...

People who just don't understand...

sigh, people are so sad... no one can get this clear... Hear alot from friends saying why I always tease them. No, I do not hate you, it is saying I like you and you're my close friend. I don't know how to express my closeness with you guys, that's why I was doing so. If you guys are not my close friends, I wouldn't even bother to say so because it normally not something I would do so.Therefore, people who I normally insults often, I don't hate you, in fact you're a really good friend. Okay~ maybe sometimes for my own entertainment :P

I wonder how many out there have picked up this point...? Damn you slow people :]

My song

I believe everybody has a song that represent themselves and I reflects on our personality.My song is Because of you by Kelly Clarkson. Surely this song represents me because I did felt that way before. I'm probably experiencing the same aftereffects ever since from that incident.

  "I am afraid~"

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

The pain will last long...

To people who do know that I gave up on her her will now how I feel and won't say anymore about me being with her.

But then what about the people who still thinks we both like each other?
Why does it hurts whenever they mention something about us together?
Didn't I said to myself I will give up?
Then why I still feel this way?
Though I know the feeling is really weak now, why do I still care?
Didn't I say I'll forget and just be friends from now on?
Sigh, Why can't feelings just stop all in one go?

If only, everybody knows the situation right now. Then they don't have to say anymore and let me forget...
I hate myself for not being able to say to people that she and I are friends now...
It's not about that I still like her, but it is just that I can't bring myself explaining to others.Stupid pride of mine...

Process of changing

I don't know why I am very happy now, without anymore negative thoughts in my mind. That is probably because I know I'm changing myself on my free will. This process of changing is slowly taking me to the better side of myself. I feel so calm and peaceful, I no longer crave for anything anymore. I just wish days like these would forever last.

The process of changing is not hard. Though it requires the willingness of your mind to do so. Some may achieve it very easily and some may never achieve it in their lifetime.

This is why, I am glad I'm one of them who was able to conquer my thoughts and expanded myself. I must be really lucky to do so~

New Direction

Finally, I can no longer feel the awkwardness talking to her anymore~ I like this feeling too . After all, I did feel bad for her of how we weren't able to talk probably. I knew it wasn't her fault that it ended that way, but it just happened... I always wanted to have a day where I can talk to her normally without anymore troubles, I guess I'm able to achieve this at last.

Now since I'm able to treat her like I do for everybody else. Does that mean I'm able to let go now?

Even so, I'm scared. It feels like I'm back to the start of my journey. It's an empty, dark field with no direction; pitched black. But then, I'm no longer afraid. And this time, I will do it right :]